This blog is a tiny
beginning on a subject that has formed me. There is equal beauty and
sorrow in watching my boys grow. As they walk towards independence, they begin
degree by degree to turn their back upon me, something that will one day lead
to a home filled only with the ghosts and shadows of the children they once
were, as they journey boldly into their adult lives. I have been blessed
as a mother In more ways than one. Firstly I am naturally unable to conceive;
however due to the medical advances in fertility drugs I have become a mother
to two amazing children. Secondly I had until the moment I held my first
son never had a maternal bone in my body, in fact throughout my pregnancy I
genuinely questioned why on earth I felt the need to breed. Moreover I didn't
on reflection feel the need, I just thought that marriage demanded it. So
when that tiny bundle (he was 5 pounds as I became magnificently ill at 4
months gestation and spent the rest of my pregnancy unable to eat and on a
drip....though on a positive note I got straight back in my size 8 jeans!) was
placed in my skinny arms, to say I was overwhelmed by the sudden and ferocious
love that would challenge any love I had known before was an absolute
understatement. In that micro second everything changed. I knew that
firstly I would never live a day without worry again, secondly that my
happiness was inextricably linked to my sons own and finally that it was time
to get my head sorted and grow up. And I did, I allowed myself to accept
my responsibilities, to ignite my ambition and to begin to at least try and
live my dreams, because what I recognised in the immediacy of my sons first
breath was the knowledge that I would be the most important relationship,
example, role model, companion, confidante, that he would ever know...the fact
that he hadn't even been given a choice in the matter increased the urgency to
ensure I gave it a bloody good go. My boys made me who I am, I mean that
in it's most messy of definitions; I am not perfect and I know that at some
point both of my children will throw some particular memory at me that they
feel messed them up. I am human, I am technicolor in my imperfections and I
don't believe I am an amazing.....I am simply a mother. And tonight it is
the mother within me that is feeling vulnerable. It is the part of me that is
most sacred; the part amidst all the chaos that created the calm, the centre, and
the core of me that feels the whisper of insecurity. I can see my
craftsmanship as they laugh loudly with their friends; I relish their
resilience as they throw themselves fearlessly and without question into new
experiences. My heart swells as I watch both my boys spending long hours
in the company of each other, planning their den building trips or discussing
their lives. They are becoming the most beautiful creatures,
compassionate, strong willed, creative, intelligent and so kind, but they are
also becoming more capable in dealing with life and the emotional complexities
that once I would have been called on to navigate. I am becoming less of
their everything and it hurts. It is my job to fully enable them to
continue their journey from me into the world. It is my intention as painful as
it may be to smile as they shift away from my advice and guidance choosing
others to guide them. They will one day fall in love and their hearts will
be filled with another woman's scent (or indeed a mans as it may play out) and
the space they save for me will be but a sliver. This is my duty, I just
didn't realise how tough the knowledge would be? So, I shall end as I
began, there is equal beauty and sorrow in watching my boys grow...but without
question it's been the most appealing agony. Sent from my iPhone
Monday, 5 May 2014
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What a beautifully-written article.
ReplyDeleteI think life is extremely sad. Although my outlook on life is a lot more negative than yours Emma, I wanted to say that I very much doubt you would ever become just a mere 'slither' in the hearts of your children.
It may well be that as they develop, that life issues prevent them from telling you how much they love you. It may well be that you feel a much weaker connection with them one day but that may be for reasons that have more to do with issues they face and wish to protect you from. Even if in 20 years time, they seem more distant, I would bet money that any love they feel for anybody else would only be equal (but not greater) than the love they feel for their Mum.
And your role in their life will change but crucially it might not necessarily diminish. There will be things they won't confide in you in the future but I can promise you that will have absolutely nothing to do with love.
Some people who feel things strongly in life, don't always espouse them verbally. In that sense, encouraging them to write might be beneficial to you one day.
Some people are really bobbins in life and who knows what will happen in your children's future lives. I am sure though with a Mum like you, they are as well-prepared for life's problems as anybody could be.
You are a far greater person than me and I think you should be breath-takingly proud of yourself.
Congratulations, you have developed in to the sort of person they will always love and include strongly in their future lives.
P.S. Perception is everything and nothing all at the same time.