My Mums Birthday!

Firstly I apologise for the punctuation and spelling here. I am dyslexic and haven't got my spell checker on the pad I am using, so bear with me.

Tomorrow is my mothers birthday, she will be 72, 72!!!!! How is that possible, how has my mother got well......old? I mean I know she isn't elderly, she can out walk me, is a size 6 and genuinely has more class than I will ever own, she is a real lady so to speak, but she is 8 years away from being 80.
Me and my Mother were a poor match for many years, she didn't particularly like me when I was a kid, she will admit that. I was a little odd and persistently analysed our mother daughter relationship from the day I could talk, kind of an emotional tap,  I drained the life out of her.
I loved her desperately and always knew she loved me, just in a way that felt distant and aloof. I would clamber for her attention often clumsily attempting connection in ways that simply served to fracture further an already awkward relationship.

We were working class and pretty stretched financially, mum stayed at home and my dad worked as a rep for a textile company. I have to mention at this point that due to money being tight my dad would get the last season samples and mum would take them to a local dress maker Mrs Urine (I kid you not!) and she would machine us up these hideous A line skirt and bolero outfits (for a tomboy like me, this was beyond horrific!).
Me and my sister were the only kids that you could coordinate with your bedrooms!

Looking back, I can totally understand why my mum was the way she was back then. She was brought up in a household full of love, but starved of physical expression. My grandparents  didn't hug each other or their kids.
My father on the other hand was brought up in a loud, loving and expressive family and he was totally spoilt with affection. This meant that my dad was open, loving and tactile as a parent, which was and still is fantastic, but it literally volumised the distance I felt from my mum.

Don't get me wrong, she always made me feel safe, secure and wanted. I never questioned that I would always have a home to go to (I still feel that way) but I disappointed her massively over many years and hence as I noted at the beginning of this blog, we had a strained relationship.
There were moments however where just for a few moments she and I would find ourselves laughing uncontrollably and usually inappropriately, or agreeing passionately about a certain subject. These I believe we would both savour and certainly gave me flickers of the future relationship we were finally to enjoy.
My Mother is an amazing woman, she hugged me properly for the first time when I was 14 and I will remember the oddness and courage of that moment until I take my last breath.
She has been for very many years my biggest fan, supporter, nanny, confidant, role model, protector and dear, dear friend. All the things I asked her to change so that we could enjoy the bond we now have she affected, all the disappointments, problems and awful things I did she has forgiven, forgotten even?
I cannot believe that tomorrow my Mum is 72, not because I can't believe how old I have become, (we only ever see out of the same eyes after all) but because I know she will not be around forever nowadays. I always took her presence in my life for granted, even at times choosing to exclude her from mine, because I believed she would always be there.
One day this brilliant woman will be but a memory, as will her touch, words, and love of M&S lattes!
I am not trying to sound morbid, I am sure that many people who stumble across this blog will have long since lost their own mothers, possibly at a far younger age than mine is tomorrow. I am simply reminding myself that this life has gone so fast, that I blinked and suddenly my mum was a pensioner. I am reminding myself of how precious, awesome, amazing and fantastic my mother is and yes, how already I fear her loss.
I have learnt in the years becoming the woman who writes this blog today, that we don't have time.
We need to tell the people we love how we feel about them. We need to repair the relationships we have let slide, yet miss. We need to say the kind words that make the difference and that enable the receiver to feel the warmth of that care.
My Mother and I are close because we dealt with the hurt, we confronted the conflict and we both enabled the other to understand the 'whys' that affected our relationship.
Tomorrow I will sit across a table from my Mother toasting her birthday, relishing that I get to share another with her, listening intently to her talk about whatever and whoever, just loving hearing the voice I knew before any others.
Our relationships define us, but sometimes we get the chance to redefine them.
I hope if you read this and have unfinished business with someone that matters you will pick up the phone, knock on their door or text that message you have wanted to for so long and begin to redefine the relationships that can truly make us who we are.