Lately I have been pondering a great deal about love, what it is, why it is and of course the issues that occur from experiencing, or indeed failing to experience it.

I have worked for many years with clients who I believe have suffered on the whole from a poverty of love. These clients may have fundamentally encountered many different life issues, dependency, low self-esteem, depression, feelings of deep and tragic isolation etc., but what has often made the difference between a relatively straightforward healing process and a process with great complexity tends to come down to love.

So if I meet a client who has fell into a deep depression after the loss of a loved one, so long as they feel and felt loved there tends to be a process of healing and acceptance; this takes time and is painful, but it often appears that the love that formed the bond also creates a foundation that protects the individual from remaining unhappy. Very often in fact the individual finds that they grow further and learn to love harder through the experience.

Now imagine a client with a similar experience who walks into my office, only the relationship that has been lost was more complex in nature. Imagine that they questioned the authenticity of the lost relationship and the love that ‘should’ have existed between the two parties.

Very often it is these questions that cause the greatest of pain.

It is knowing that we are and have been ‘authentically’ loved that allows a simplicity in grief; yes unbelievably painful, but linear in experience.

I have experienced my tragedies in life, deep and wounding with moments where I believed I would drown in the darkness of the deep, black nothing….but instead, with the words, company, reassurances of others, I found my way back to shore….albeit on my father’s back at times.

You see love somehow weaves its way around the most broken people returning their pieces to the original positions albeit for a few chips here and there.

I struggled with love for so many years; self-love and indeed the trust to love others. Fortunately, the blueprint that my parents created equipped me to find such intensity when I had my first child. From considering myself an incredibly cold person; known as the ice queen at work for my steely ability to deal with some unimaginably horrible cases without any real impact on my own emotional state, I transformed into a warm and nurturing mother and woman.

Essentially, even when we are loved, we need to allow its warmth to flow into each and every organ, deep through our veins and into our souls, we need to turn toward it, to accept it and of course to believe we deserve it.

Whilst it’s not PC to say, I genuinely feel that the reason I am good at my job is because I love my clients. Yes I may not love them in a way that means I take them home, adopt them and get them to call me mum, but I share the love I have for humanity with them.

I believe in teaching my clients what a good relationship feels like; a relationship that can then be replicated elsewhere.

Sometimes I can see how difficult my clients find being cared for, in these circumstances I actually turn the volume up and make the care even louder. I am always privileged and humbled that anyone would choose to share their journeys with me. This is why it is so easy to love and care for my clients; because they trust me and they deserve to be safely and authentically cared for.

Many professionals would criticise me for this belief system, (if you do, you need to be loved more yourself, only good things can come from love and this means there is nothing to fear) but it works for me and my clients and that will do for me.

Of course learning to be loved is at times challenging, my own partner simply grabbed on and refused to let go, (though I did try to prise him off a couple of times) and I guess that this is one of my greatest lessons, that another can love us with such intensity and integrity that they can in fact transform us.

He transformed me, I cannot look back to that woman I once was. He taught me the privilege of safety, the joy of true connection and the loyalty that is so effortless and unwritten that it doesn’t need to be mentioned. Essentially, he loved me in spite of myself, and in doing so helped me to love myself (yes I know it might pang of co-dependency but believe me I am incredibly happy and considered well-adjusted so it works for me.)

And I guess that’s the main part of what my blog is about today, the fact that we can all love each other more. Spreading love can involve a smile, a kind word, a knock on the door of that old lady we know who lives alone at the bottom of the street.

We can remember to answer conflict with care and anger with understanding. Love is always freeing, forming and positive and it’s available to all of us as long as we believe we deserve it…..and all of us deserve it.

So today I am reminding you (possibly preaching a bit….so sorry about that but this is pretty darned important to me)that a world full of more loving people means a world full of happier people and wouldn’t that be a better world for us and our children to live in?

I don’t want utopia, I don’t want heaven on earth and I don’t want a perfect impossible world. I want what is entirely achievable.

So if you know an individual with a poverty of love, try and share a little of your own because the tiniest flicker can turn into the greatest of fires.

 

x

Recently I have noticed the changes occurring for my 11-year-old son, his irritability seems high, patience low and his moods all over the place. This often results in him becoming angry with his 9 year old brother who remains in a very innocent child state, one that my 11 year old was privy to until three or four months ago.

I know what it means and it involves both excitement and fear for me as a parent much as it involves equal curses and blessings for him.

Watching his struggle (its clear for anyone who fancies bobbing round on an early morning to mine after he has been forcibly prized from his bed to see) brings me to reflect on how enormously important it is for young people to feel that they are neither alone nor judged during this tough transition.

I genuinely remember as I am sure many of you will relate to those intense feelings as a pre teenager where I suddenly realized what a huge responsibility life could be.

I would lie on my bed thinking about the possibilities that lay ahead (at some point these would usually eventuate in me owning a castle) and I would undergo a plethora of emotions, like a roller coaster of highs and lows that could both intoxicate and terrify me.

I didn’t know what these feelings were or where they’d arrived from, nor did I know how to control them, all I understood was they consumed me.

I was a child of the 70’s, parenting was traditional and my mother and father would both acknowledge today that we didn’t necessarily spend a great deal of time talking about our feelings, we were a typical working class bunch and this meant that dad worked long hours and mum stayed at home. Moreover back in the day my Mum found emotional tactility relatively difficult so I would during periods of difficulty withdraw as opposed to connect from her.

This resulted is me becoming what I suppose could be considered a difficult teenager (I wont start on that story as you all have lives and it will take several months to note) and this is why my current situation with my eldest son is playing on my mind so much.

I wonder how different this phase would have been for me should someone have actually sat me down and talked me through what was happening to my body, brain and emotions alike? What would it have felt like to know that someone had my back so to say and during periods of turmoil to have been able to ask for a hug and a cup of tea?

My parents were always on my side and would have helped me if I had known that and further known how to ask…..but I didn’t.

And that’s my point really, how often do we teach our children how to ask for their needs to be met? So often we find ourselves instead reacting to their tantrums and mishaps, or explaining why they have to do everything the way we want them to.

I have worked constantly for 16 years with some of the most deprived young people, emotionally, educationally, parentally  and socio economically and ALWAYS it is their feelings of abandonment and aspirational poverty that has affected their development most.

What would have been the difference if early on and throughout their young and adolescent years someone had been there for them to guide them through the emotionally murky waters of life?

This is why its so important that educators recognize to take that extra moment with that struggling child, and when that child becomes an angry teenager they are cared for by their teachers I spite of their ‘attitudes’ because that anger stems from feeling that they have no one on their side.

So back to me and my boy and of course what I am trying to get across to anyone who has, is going to have, or is related to any close to puberty kid. Your job is to become an active and obvious guide. I say obvious because believe me with prepubescent and pubescent kids you need to SPELL IT OUT!!!

I am asking you to let them know that you are their wingmen, that you understand fully how it feels, that you can offer comfort in the confusion and understanding in the moments of great emotional anguish and self questioning.

Instead of using anger to react to their moods or allowing them to isolate themselves in their bedrooms I am calling on you to instead bring them further into the belongingness and connectedness of the family.

Hug them tighter, more often and in spite of their protests and remind them each and every day that they are wonderful and that you love them.

This is what I am learning to do with my own child, imperfect as I am and at times as confused as he is, together we can get through it and hopefully get through to adulthood with one thing that we are completely sure of; the love we have between us.

I wish this had been my experience, it would I believe have saved me a great many mistakes including some truly horrendous hair colours and painful piercings.

I am sure there will be moments where I mess up and use the immediacy of anger to deal with certain scenarios, but right now I reckon its 85% communication to 15% reaction and that I hope will see us through.

Sitting in my office today I encountered upon a chat with a colleague of mine who will shortly be coming to work for me full time in a business venture I am launching. This individual is perhaps the most authentic, considerate, loyal and compassionate human being I have ever had the pleasure to know.
We met eight years ago just after I had experienced a profound loss in my life and required an ear shall we say.
I knew why I was sad, I knew that it was ok for me to be sad, I didn't need to talk about my feelings. At this point in time, I just required someone who would sit beside me simply letting me cry.
I didn't require comfort, pity or platitudes, just company in my grief.
For me like anyone, loss is painful, however it is also a powerful emotional representation of a relationship that was filled with love. These relationships are what form and sustain us, their passing cause deep, yet beautiful scars. After all, what would life be without love?
I didn't know this man well back then, I saw him around and I was aware of his beliefs, but for some reason I was drawn to him.
After a brief chat one day I chanced the suggestion of spending some 'silent' time with him, he agreed without question.
We spent many hours he and I, engaged in a thick and powerful silence that I felt able and safe enough to swim within.
After I found my way back to my shore, I realised that he had provided a life jacket so effective yet lightweight, that I had hardly noticed it's strength and importance.
We became firm friends and he remains one of the single most important people I have ever had the good fortune to meet.
So what brings me to write this blog? I suppose partly it's to put in writing the importance of chance encounters and personal risk.
I don't like asking for help, yet I dared to with this man. I also could have ignored my instinct that led me to him; after all we were mere strangers when I took the step of asking him to share his time with me.
What arrived from these 'moments' is a deep, long lasting, respect and friendship soaked in an integrity I have felt few places in my world.
How often do we actually dare to have our needs met? In personal, professional and even intimate relationships? So often we instead allow ourselves the scraps of what could instead by a hearty and fulfilling meal.
We are amazing, beautiful, capable individuals us humans, we have the capacity to do so much good to ourselves and others, but so often we sit afraid and helpless watching what we need drift away.
Imagine a life for a moment where instead we grab on to what we need, unashamedly asking, demanding even to have our needs met. A life where those who harm us are removed without feelings of guilt or regret.
Where a 'no' is less to offend another and more simply an insurance to accept our own needs.
Imagine relationships where the key is 'being and giving the best' to the person we are sharing our lives with.
This isn't utopia, this isn't an idealistic perspective through rose coloured spectacles, this is possible, probable even! You just have to realise your worth, potential and desires; clinging on at all times and refusing lesser alternatives.
In my office today, this wonderful man, friend, mentor, colleague and guide looked directly at me and said I just don't understand why you believe in me?'
That moment exists for all of us doesn't it! It has for me on many occasions, sometimes I have voiced it (these days I would), on many occasions instead I have kept it silent and failed therefore to receive the encouragement that could have made all the difference, soothing me and easing my worries.
I was able to tell my friend that it was I who actually needed him far more than the reverse. I am a keen business woman and he is far more capable than I (there were other softer and emotional reasons of course).
So what am I saying in this long convoluted gabble?
Simple, we are all able to have a life we desire, but only when we allow ourselves the right to ask for what we need.
So today instead of letting the moment pass, take a deep breath and chance to have your needs met. Whatever the outcome, DO NOT let it silence you instead turn the emotions volume up until you are heard.
Finally if no matter what, your needs are ignored, refused, belittled or abused, then the action required is clear, be your own best friend and move on to happier, healthier pastures.
Create what you desire. X

Well it's Tuesday and I am off for the day discussing my new business.
It's both exciting and terrifying and I feel one or the other dependant on my mood.
Today is an excited 'lots to do' feeling day, equally last week it was a 'can I please hide under the covers and be 8 again' week.
That's the thing about being human, no matter how old we get we never forget the child we once were. I by the way was an incredibly shy child, I had a plethora of tics that were disturbing for pretty much anyone who looked at me stranger or friend!
I also had a fabulous imagination that meant during difficult moments I could escape to a future in my head where everything was possible.
Trouble is these days that very same little girl occasionally somehow grabs control of this adult body and brain and wreaks havoc!
The tics return (much milder and I can usually run off to the toilets where I can contort my body for a few minutes which suffices, thus preventing colleagues wondering what's happened to me!) and the fear that I am useless at everything will consume me.
Of course these days instead of pretending that this isn't happening, I have the tools and resources to create perspective and understand that it's completely natural to feel a level of fear and vulnerability when entering into new territories.
I also know that the little girl Emma isn't trying to screw things up for me, the tics were always a useful tool as a child to distract my brain and emotions from feeling hyper anxious and so she throws this coping mechanism into the mix, the only one she knew!
In fact it's that little girl who appears when I need to ask for help, guidance, support, love and hugs; she is not as arrogant as the adult in me who refuses to acknowledge the needs we all have, seeing it as weakness.
So I guess what I am noting is that we are all the same us humans, an amalgamation of many selves who have lived many different lives and selves during the same lifetime. These selves act as shadows, ghosts almost of a life once lived, still there but hard to see. Until of course one of them manages to creep back, seemingly saying 'yep I know this territory, I'll handle this!'  Hence why so many of us keep repeating patterns of unhelpful behaviour. It's also why when we suffer an intense grief and then a less significant one further down the line, that the feelings can feel as intense as before.
The self that dealt with the first blow that we have moved on from suddenly takes control again.
That's how I feel about it all anyhow. I am sure some 'evidenced based' academic would disagree with me and site some interesting research (that my 8 year old self will refuse to read as it uses boring and unnecessary intellectual language that aims to only let 'clever' people understand!....see, like I said, sometimes the 8 year old has a point!) but for me, this is how I explore who I am, have been and have become.
When I work with clients I try to get them to 'hear' the messages that these surfacing selves are speaking. This way we can listen constructively to them and understand the feelings within their current self that is causing the eliciting of such emotions.
Anyway I have to go now! It's time for the grown up me to go and sort out important business. That noted it involves the web so me and the eight year me are going to be in very good company with one another, as neither of us understand it!!!

Well its Monday, I say this after a pretty horrendous weekend dealing with a bunch of very nasty Wikipedia editors who have both blanked all credible information about me and replaced it with one source of criticism by a woman who withheld relevant qualifications when writing an article about me. This is totally against the principles of Wikipedia and also makes you realise how dangerous individuals with a little bit of power can be.

Two enormously positive things have occurred during this experience. Firstly, I have received the most amazing messages of support from my twitter family; I genuinely have few words that can express the love I have been offered. Every message I have received has eased the stress a little and reinforced the genuine love I have for the majority of human beings.

Often people are surprised that I respond to all my twitter messages, for me however I remain consistently amazed that people care enough to share a point of view with me, me returning an opinion, sentiment or daft picture is the least I can do.

Secondly watching my partner spend his entire weekend fighting with this group of individuals, tirelessly and without complaint; watching him sit frustrated and sad at the computer where he was repeatedly blocked and threatened and generally treated with complete disrespect made me feel so unbelievably blessed. 

You see that’s what really counts in life; belongingness.

I could have gone through this experience feeling wounded, harmed and bullied (as was this group of individuals intent), but instead I feel invigorated, enthusiastic about human kindness and genuinely warmed by the people I know as my friends both on and off the web.

I will get the Wikipedia page sorted as it’s a distorted and biased perspective which is against the rules, (not that the editors in question follow any themselves). I have contacted lawyers regarding an individual who made libellous comments, (this is already being dealt with) and I will continue in spite of their lies to work in the media on and off screen as a Psychologist, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it Wikipedia police!

Today I have seen three clients already and every one of them has reminded me of what really matters, my therapeutic ability, kindness and common decency.

Finally to all of you who took the time to fight my corner and to show me support, I hope you recognise the power of those 140 characters on Twitter, they really did mean the world.

A million kind wishes to you all x

 

So , I've finally managed to get back around to writing my blog. Its been an interesting couple of days, toing and froing with Wikipedia as regards changes an individual made to an article on there about my credentials. In spite of offering all my qualifications - along with my registration number approved by the Professional Standards Authority for Health and Social Care within the 'Psychological Therapies,' my BACP registration and many sources to validate my work these were persistently removed. In fact the only one that remained was an article that noted me as a 'pop Psychologist!'
The internet is a powerful tool and in that hands of nasty people can cause immense distress.
I have always been transparent about my qualifications, I am not a Phd (in spite of the Director of the Manchester Counselling Psychology Phd, where I lecture a couple of times a year consistently nudging me to do one), I have never felt that I needed to.
I love my work in therapy and I am very highly qualified. I am also employed as a private Psychologist and employed on screen as one.
What is my crime? Well yes, I haven't committed one, in fact I am totally transparent in my work.
The fact that an individual in Australia decided that they didn't agree with me using my legally entitled title 'Psychologist' led to what has been a couple of the most frustrating and upsetting days of my recent years.
My wonderful P.A and partner immediately contacted Wikapedia to explain that so far as we considered our page had been hacked and that libellous (thanks brother of mine who is a qualified Barrister) information including suggesting i was a 'self proclaimed psychologist' with no qualifications and an Entrepreneur (which I really wish I was) had been maliciously posted.
Well that was a mistake! Immediately my partner was attacked and told that he was in the wrong for using these terms (remember, we know nothing about the etiquette of Wikapedia and were on the 'talk' to ask for help after genuinely believing that libellous and malicious content was being posted)
What began as us believing someone would look and note that this was the case, turned into my partner staying up all night trying to put the correct info on the site; which was immediately removed and replaced by one damming article by a woman called Margaret McCartney, a G.P  who was given all my qualifications, only to omit my advanced diploma in Counselling and Masters in Counselling, instead saying i was a 'graduate' of psychology....(which i am by the way, but i have higher degrees too). In fact I am still awaiting a response from her and the BMJ as she needs to amend these facts. Even more odd is that this G.P feels she is an authority on Psychology and wrote about me in a medical journal which has nothing to do with my discipline. Mind you this is the woman who also suggested that smears for cervical cancer were a waste of time (tell that my mother who by the way survived it thanks to a smear at the age of 44).
By the way, at this point in the argument my partner was pulled up for his spelling and punctuation (considering it was at this point 3am in the morning and i was snoring i think he did bloody well).
This argument is  still going on by the way, feel free to look at the history where we offer inordinate amounts of links that counteract the claims, degrees and higher degrees, registration and awarding bodies which are immediately removed.
You see the really scary lesson I have learnt here is that somewhere in Australia, there is a very angry individual who absolutely loathes me. This individual also has a group of other angry individuals who go out of their way to discredit people. These are all editors for Wikapedia, a group of people who should have decorum, honesty and integrity at their core; don't get me wrong, before this, we found some of these individuals beyond helpful and they added vast amounts of info for me.
Also, the very odd individual who spent hours blocking our honest info also exposed my partners details, which is in direct contravention of Wikapedia ethics and also posted his Facebook, sound cloud and twitter accounts.
Whilst I have every intention of dealing with that individual, the point is that for me the event showed how even when you are completely transparent about who you are, what you do, the qualifications that you have, and the registration you can demonstrate, someone with a little bit of power can try to ruin you.
I don't hide anything, the production companies I work for, the clients I am privileged to work with, the corporate brands I help and endorse ALL have my qualifications and all think I am excellent at what I do.
I have written this article because Wikapedia is genuinely a site I fully trusted, I go on it all the time as an information base. To discover that it is controlled at times by fabulous individuals who are genuinely helpful and pleasant; no doubt wanting the company to remain credible, and at other times really nasty people has been a disturbing experience.
So, next time you log on to read about that famous celebrity, or to find out that piece of interesting history, remember anyone can edit Wikapedia ,and in my case a very nasty Australian who chooses to hide and delete the facts.