It's both exciting and terrifying and I feel one or the other dependant on my mood.
Today is an excited 'lots to do' feeling day, equally last week it was a 'can I please hide under the covers and be 8 again' week.
That's the thing about being human, no matter how old we get we never forget the child we once were. I by the way was an incredibly shy child, I had a plethora of tics that were disturbing for pretty much anyone who looked at me stranger or friend!
I also had a fabulous imagination that meant during difficult moments I could escape to a future in my head where everything was possible.
Trouble is these days that very same little girl occasionally somehow grabs control of this adult body and brain and wreaks havoc!
The tics return (much milder and I can usually run off to the toilets where I can contort my body for a few minutes which suffices, thus preventing colleagues wondering what's happened to me!) and the fear that I am useless at everything will consume me.
Of course these days instead of pretending that this isn't happening, I have the tools and resources to create perspective and understand that it's completely natural to feel a level of fear and vulnerability when entering into new territories.
I also know that the little girl Emma isn't trying to screw things up for me, the tics were always a useful tool as a child to distract my brain and emotions from feeling hyper anxious and so she throws this coping mechanism into the mix, the only one she knew!
In fact it's that little girl who appears when I need to ask for help, guidance, support, love and hugs; she is not as arrogant as the adult in me who refuses to acknowledge the needs we all have, seeing it as weakness.
So I guess what I am noting is that we are all the same us humans, an amalgamation of many selves who have lived many different lives and selves during the same lifetime. These selves act as shadows, ghosts almost of a life once lived, still there but hard to see. Until of course one of them manages to creep back, seemingly saying 'yep I know this territory, I'll handle this!' Hence why so many of us keep repeating patterns of unhelpful behaviour. It's also why when we suffer an intense grief and then a less significant one further down the line, that the feelings can feel as intense as before.
The self that dealt with the first blow that we have moved on from suddenly takes control again.
That's how I feel about it all anyhow. I am sure some 'evidenced based' academic would disagree with me and site some interesting research (that my 8 year old self will refuse to read as it uses boring and unnecessary intellectual language that aims to only let 'clever' people understand!....see, like I said, sometimes the 8 year old has a point!) but for me, this is how I explore who I am, have been and have become.
When I work with clients I try to get them to 'hear' the messages that these surfacing selves are speaking. This way we can listen constructively to them and understand the feelings within their current self that is causing the eliciting of such emotions.
Anyway I have to go now! It's time for the grown up me to go and sort out important business. That noted it involves the web so me and the eight year me are going to be in very good company with one another, as neither of us understand it!!!
Big hugs , brilliant blog x
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